Wednesday, September 4, 2013

My Midwives Crisis: Part one

People tell you A LOT of things about pregnancy. And I don't mind it at all (because lets be honest, I have NO idea what's coming next), every pregnancy is different. But there was one thing no one had ever told  me about yet it was the one thing that changed me completely.

 The past 11 weeks have been a wild and crazy adventure that I figured I should somehow document a little so I can look back on this time and be proud that I survived. It's also a story I want to share with my little girl someday so she can see the miracle she really is.

*Warning: Potentially long post. I have a lot I want to say dealing with a lot of bodily stuff and health issues.

I have severe endometreosis. You know the kind that makes you vomit and then pass out because of the pain...well I have THAT kind of endometreosis. In the past it hadn't bugged me too much because I just took Advil throughout the day (hoping I'd take it in time before a painful fit overtook me) and all would be swell (temporarily). Strangely enough my endometreosis got so bad (can't ignore a growling bear for too long I guess) that every time I would run I'd get a "fit" of pseudo-endometreal pain. By then I knew something was wrong.

So I did my research and narrowed down my healing plan to supplementation, herbs and clean eating. These changes helped but the fits of pain still randomly hit me from time to time versus every time I ran. Progress was still progress so I said "Sure, I'll take it," and hoped it continued to get better.

Back story: Tristin and I have been married for over 6 and a half years. As far as birth control goes, I track my cycles VERY closely but also know that endometreosis lowers your chances of falling pregnant SIGNIFICANTLY. I know the day my cycle starts, when I ovulate and when I finish ovulating (yes, I'm OCD about tracking my hormonal cycles. 1) for pregnancy purposes AKA prevention and 2) because a shift in menstration signifies chemical imbalances. I like to stay on top of my chemistry in my body. Yes--I know, I'm a health FREAK).

So when I found out on June 15th that I was pregnant, I about died! There was NO way on this planet that it was possible. NO WAY. Here's why: Little Roney would have been conceived May 27th, the day we ran the BolderBoulder  (remember how I track everything?), the day that was 5 days POST my last day of ovulation. Impossible, right? Throw in endometreosis and your logical conclusion is "Yea-she shouldn't be pregnant".

Bolder Boulder 10K race, Colorado. The day Little Roney was conceived.
On June 15th Mother Nature threw me a surprise when I looked at my positive pregnancy test and froze. Originally I wanted to fix my body so I could run...instead I got pregnant. Yes, I cried angry-ugly tears, I screamed from pure terror, I may have sworn (I don't remember) but when I kept telling Tristin "this is too early. It can't happen now," his response was, "lets be honest with ourselves--if it didn't happen by accident it probably would have never happened".

Truer words have never been spoken. I have always be terrified of being a mom. Staring at that pregnancy test was like looking death in the face and seeing my life flash before my eyes. I was stunned and scared and very very insecure in that moment. of course fear was eventually replaced with excitement and elation but the underlying apprehension loomed somewhere in the back of my mind. Fathers Day was when we broke the news to our families. We put a baby binky in a gift back and gave it to them hoping they'd figure it out. Below is the reaction of my parents. Although we were trying to be discrete while filming them you can still hear their excitement.

When Rick (Tristin's dad) opened his "gift bag" everyone's first reactions were "Who's child's binky is this? I think Eloise put her binky in here". It took a few seconds before Tristin's sister turned to us and asked "Wait--are you....pregnant?"

We shared our news with everyone that day and felt the excitement and anticipation any future parent would feel. However, there was still that undertone of "what about my schooling, my work, my life, my plans, my body?". I don't know if others go through this quiet mourning process but as I slowly made the plans to accommodate my future as a mom and said goodbye to some of my goals and dreams I had set in motion, I felt a sorrow I'd never experienced; like saying goodbye to Juanique who did whatever she wanted when she wanted and saying hello to a Juanique who would learn to plan and coordinate a life with a child in it. No longer was I to be the child in my life. From that day onward I was to be a (future) mom. Mom- Me, Juanique Cecilia Salvesen Roney-- a mom!

Everyone tells you about how pregnancy feels: the sickness, the lack of appetite, the fatigue, the mood swings, OH the mood swings....but there's one thing people don't tell you, and maybe it's because it's hard to describe but I'll try my hardest.

There's something I think Heaven implants in women which I've come to call the "Maternity switch". After about 2 weeks of my "goodbyes" to my life I thought I was going to have, it was like one day I woke up a completely different person. I woke up as Juanique-The excited mother to be. Juanique--The business girl/student/PhD goaled girl had left the stage and the New Juanique that would hold the title of "mom" was up front and center and proud of it. "Mom". I was going to be called "mom" and there is no other title I've ever been more excited for in my life.

Everyone tells you about how pregnancy feels, but no one tells you about the connection you feel to your future child and how you would give up just about anything for them. Maybe I have been told this in the past but *feeling* it is something you can't really describe. And it's not like it's a gradual process either. All of a sudden you wake up and it's there. That Maternal Switch, that primal instinct growling from deep within waiting to break free and saying, "FINALLY!".

So yes, I'm finally here and there's no where else I'd rather be. Even through the fog of first trimester dilemmas and fatigue and health issues I have had a constant goofy-happiness about me. Yes, she did this to me, Little Roney did and I couldn't be any happier about it.

Yes-Us weirdos are going to be parents (15 weeks pregnant)
 Moral of this story: Herbs are powerful things.

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